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It's Time for Tickles 'n Truth 
A Fun, Faith 'n Funny Bone Feature
"Funny Bone Faith" sees humor--AND faith--in the tough times and with God's help, smiles through tears as it triumphs in a Lord who brings joy and laughter to our lives--daily! Enjoy the fun and inspiration--and strengthen YOUR "Funny Bone Faith" right here--today!
NOTE: Humor pieces are meant to be funny. No offense is meant with regard to age, sex, race, religion, occupation or any other topic. It is simply a way of laughing at ourselves, so please just laugh along with us!
Visit Tickles 'n Truth Archives to catch up!
In a never-ending effort to attract the unchurched, some churches have considered translating their unfamiliar terminology into familiar football phrases:BLITZ: The strategic play that takes place two seconds after every benediction.
BLOCKING: Talking endlessly to the pastor at the church door and keeping everyone else from exiting.
COACH: The children's Christmas program director.
ASSISTANT COACH: Every mother who has a kid in the children's Christmas program.
COMMERCIAL: Announcements.
DRAFT CHOICE: The decision to sit close to an air conditioning vent.
DRAW PLAY: What many children (and not a few adults) do with their bulletins during the service.
END ZONE: The pews.
EXTRA POINT: What you receive when you tell the preacher his sermon was too short.
FIRST QUARTER: What most people put into the Sunday school offering so it looks like they are giving.
FOURTH QUARTER: The amount that makes up the $1 most people put into the Sunday school offering when under peer pressure to give more.
HAIL MARY: Desperate move made by ushers in a last-ditch attempt to get people to put something in the plate.
HALFTIME: Usually during the offertory when at least 14 people decide they need to use the restroom.
HOLDING: Passing on the offering place without putting in a cent.
ILLEGAL CONTACT: What gets some church leaders into trouble and out of the ministry.
ILLEGAL MOTION: Leaving before the benediction.
INTERFERENCE: Talking during the organ prelude.
OFFSIDES: When an orchestra member accidentally walks into the choir room (severe penalty incurred).
PASS INTERFERENCE:
1. Single male usher spots single woman in audience.
2. A parent moving between two teens in the pew to halt the flow of notes back and forth during the sermon.
QUARTERBACK SNEAK:
1. How the pastor gets from the pulpit to the rear door during the benediction.
2. Sunday school teachers entering the building five minutes after classes began.
RAIN DELAY: Baptism
RED DOG: Common strategy performed each Sunday by those who "own" their own pew.
SUDDEN DEATH: The penalty to the pastor who preaches more than twenty minutes.
TACKLE:
1. What takes place to the only eligible bachelor at the 35-and-over singles enrichment retreat.
2. Asking that "new couple" to sing in the choir, work in the nursery, serve on a committee, join a Bible study, and teach the middle schoolers before they get away.
PASS: When the new couple says no.
TIME-OUT: Refreshment time in the Fellowship Hall.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING: The pastor's wife looking at her watch in full view of the pastor.
UNSPORTSMANLIKE CONDUCT: Usually takes place at a committee meeting to decide on the color of carpet or some other thing.
--Selected from Mikey's Funnies.
Some things you keep. Like good teeth. Warm coats. Bald husbands & chubby wives. They're good for you, reliable and practical and so sublime that to throw them away would make the garbage man a thief. So you hang on to the older gifts, because something old is sometimes better than something new, and what you know is often better than a stranger.Here are my thoughts, they make me sound old, old and tame and dull at a time when everybody else is frisky and racy and flashing all that's new and improved in their lives. New spouses, new careers, new thighs, new lips. The world is dizzy with trade-ins. I could keep track, but I don't think I want to.
I grew up in the fifties with practical parents - a mother, God bless her, who washed aluminum foil after she cooked in it, then reused it-and still does. A father who was happier getting old shoes fixed than buying new ones.
They weren't poor, my parents, they were just satisfied. Their marriage was good, their dreams focused. Their best friends lived barely a wave away. I can see them now, fifties couples in Bermuda shorts and Banlon sweaters, lawnmower in one hand, tools in the other.
The tools were for fixing things - a curtain rod, the kitchen radio, screen door, the oven door, the hem in a dress. Things you keep. It was a way of life, and sometimes it made me crazy. All that re-fixing, reheating, renewing, I wanted just once to be wasteful. Waste meant affluence.
Throwing things away meant there'd always be more. But then my father died, and on that clear autumn night, in the chill of the hospital room, I was struck with the pain of learning that sometimes there isn't any 'more.' Sometimes what you care about most gets all used up and goes away, never to return.
So while you have it, it's best to love it and care for it and fix it when it's broken and heal it when it's sick. That's true for marriage and friends and old cars and children with bad report cards and dogs with bad hips and aging parents. You keep them because they're worth it, because you're worth it.
Sometimes the best gifts are the old ones that you have already received. Receive the old gifts again, by looking around and appreciating your life, the people and the things in it...for they are the true gifts of life.
Introducing Pastor David Watson, Central Assembly, Springfield, Missouri
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"Peggie Breaks"--humor & inspiration links each month
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For more daily humor:
Reverend Fun--A fun Christian cartoon of the day!
Pastor Tim's Clean Laugh List--a daily email humor list
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