Today's Tickles!

"Mikey's Thoughts from Mikey's Funnies - Part Two"

~ Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.

~ Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

~ Home is where you hang your @.

~ How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

~ How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a barbecue?

~ How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

~ I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

~ I asked Mom if I was a gifted child...she said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.

~ I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.

~ I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.

~ I figured out why they call our language the "Mother Tongue." Fathers never get a chance to use much of it.

~ I have excellent sleeping habits. When the sun rises, I don't.

~ I hate mornings...they're so early!

~ I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and say, "Well, that's not going to happen."

~ I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

~ I was thinking about old age. I decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball but you're just too tired to bounce it.

~ If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose? ~ If a firefighter fights fire and crime fighter fights crime, what does a freedom fighter fight?

~ If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

~ If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what exactly is a fog horn made out of?

~ If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

~ If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

~ If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers?

~ If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

~ If bills are rectangular, how come they keep rolling in?

~ If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

~ If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?

~ If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

~ If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

~ If it's true that we are all here to help others, then what exactly are all the others here for?

~ If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

~ If mother always knows best, what happens when two mothers disagree?

~ If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide & seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?

~ If space is a vacuum, who changes the bag?

~ If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

~ If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

~ If the shortest distance between two points is a line, why does waiting in a line take so long?

~ If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

~ If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning.

~ If you think about it, Adam had more trouble than any of the rest of us buying his Father a gift for Father's Day. I mean, what do you get somebody who's Everything?

~ Incompetents invariably make trouble for people other than themselves.

~ Indecision is the key to flexibility.

~ Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.

~ Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions"--and if you got a different "impression." so what? Can't we all just get along?

~ Interchangeable parts won't.

~ Is a leak in the back of a boat a stern warning?

~ Is it my imagination or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

~ Is it time for your medication or mine?

~ Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

~ Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

~ Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

~ Is Walt Disney Productions a Mickey Mouse operation?

~ Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

~ It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

~ Laughter is like changing a baby's diaper: It doesn't permanently solve any problems, but it makes thing more acceptable for awhile.

~ Live as you wish your kids would.

~ Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.

~ Love is like a rose. You have to see past the thorns to appreciate its beauty.

~ Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

~ Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

~ Money isn't everything...there's credit cards, money orders, and travelers checks.

~ "More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed."

~ No job is so simple that it can't be messed up.

~ No one ought to be so pessimistic that he can't see some good in other people's problems.

~ Now there's a list of the Ten Most Neurotic People...it's called The Best-Stressed List.

~ Oh Lord, give me patience...and GIVE IT TO ME NOW!

~ One time my kids wanted to surprise me with a good breakfast in bed on Father's Day. They put a cot in the kitchen.

~ Pity poor old George Washington. He couldn't blame his troubles on the previous administration.

~ Preach the gospel at all times. Use words if necessary.

--selected from Mikey's Funnies.

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